I’ve been holding on to a particular quote for the past six or seven months. It’s something that touched my soul back then due to a particular event that will be held close to the heart (in pectore) to protect those involved. Now, since this last bout has begun, the words resonate deep within chambers I had long since forgotten.
It is, sadly, a familiar feeling. I don’t know why I allow myself to be used by those who allegedly mean well, but that’s something I’ll have to investigate with my own team of trusted individuals. But once I know what’s going on, I am not one to dwell in places where I do not feel welcome.
Let me restate that – people will say you are welcome at their table, but their actions behind your back and words shared with others will tell you a different story – I don’t do well in those situations. I tend to take things very personally when I am burned. Scars build up, and skin toughens, but the memories of broken trust are difficult to remove – and I don’t think they should be.
When faced with difficult moments, our +Christ instructed us to turn the other cheek, but +He never taught us to go out like fools and seek to get slapped. Nor did +He tell us to remain in a place where we are continually made to feel unwelcome. <– Again, that phrase – “made to feel.” He said, “…forgive…” …and I have.
Forgiveness is not synonymous with remaining in an unhealthy environment. Forgiveness also does not mean the event(s) did not happen. It simply means the event no longer holds power over you. But something else important to remember here is that forgiveness does not take away the pain and is not permission we give to people to continue treating us the way they had.
Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve forgiveness.1https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition If forgiving friends or family, remaining is the very real loss – a mourning of sorts for that which is no longer. People often confuse the two.
Why is this salient? Moving on is not synonymous with holding a grudge or not forgiving. Moving forward is a type of forgiving the self enough to move away from the unhealthiness that exists and then walking toward something a-greater-than-which-nothing-can-be-conceived.
Discernment never ends; it is something in which we engage throughout our lives, and sadly, I find myself on the discernment path yet again. One thing for certain: I cannot remain in a place where one’s word means nothing or changes from moment to moment, person to person. I cannot exist where honor is a shallow breath exhausted from two mouths.
There will be those who will take great offense to this post. They will gnash their teeth and make horrible remarks, as they have already done. I take comfort in knowing my own heart and soul are at peace with keeping myself safe from that which has become tainted by power and ego. Let them nail me, too, to that tree, but they will know the truth in their hearts.
I just want to be a simple servant to the people. I’ve become quite familiar with my truths – maybe we should all spend more time taking the plank out of our own eyes than projecting our garbage onto others – me included.
Notes & Citations
- 1https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition
