I felt them less frequently, then, and I know exactly why. I disconnected from it years ago when the turmoil began. There were many signs through the years – I ignored every one of them having been drawn in by charismatic personalities and promises of greater things. But as my passion and inner friends made themselves known, and their fear – their lack of security took hold, and I paid a hefty price.
Shortly after I graduated from a degree program, jealousy became the status quo. At first, I didn’t recognize the signs. I thought they were just engaging in their usual self-loathing and self-deprecation, which was a common and almost constant theme. But when the attacks on my celebrations and professionalism began a few months later, I knew what was really going on – and yet I let it continue for another four years.
Those four years were hell. I experienced passive-aggressive rantings from fragile and broken egos and other forms of manipulation. I was almost done not only with them but with ministry in general. I was tired and felt so utterly alone.
It was then I began to let go. What had been my bittersweet friend – that painful and blessed thorn – was now dulled and easily forgotten. I excused the remaining sensations as feelings of fatigue, illness, or depression.
I knew I needed change – a return to my center but thinking about a thing and doing a thing are two very different and sometimes diametrically opposed concepts. Rather than expect the world to change – I knew I had to. It took a while, and it’s still a work in progress, but I finally re-engaged my connection to my +God and am still working to find my center within my +Christ.
But reconnecting has its costs… What the body rejects, the soul desires. So it is with this thorn. It has returned and fills me with ecstasy and fear. It persists, and I am tired.
For a while, it was a strange sensation: to have this sometimes unbearable pain taken away from me. Its absence seemed even more difficult than enduring it. My mind and body wanted to reject it but the soul, inexplicably, desired it. It was painful and sweet at the same time.
Finally, I understand! It’s not about me…
All things to the Glory and Honor of our Lord.
