During this season of Lent, there is something I am giving up – the past. Specifically, I will no longer hold onto the pain I’ve carried through many years of active ministry.
The pain from my past does not serve my highest good. That being said, I will carry with me the lessons learned from the past, but I can no longer allow those moments – two specifically – to continue to define how I move forward. And so I share my tale with those who will listen to impart some wisdom and perhaps help others learn a lesson vicariously through another.
In the beginning…
Part of healing from the past, that is to say, part of building resilience, is looking inward to heal those things that have affected us throughout our lives. Lent is a perfect time to begin that deep introspection and come to an “innerstanding” of where we need growth in our lives.
For this story, we’re not returning to the literal +Creation, but in a real sense, it was my creation. I was born into ordained ministry out of a sense of belonging and after years of fear-filled running away from a calling to which I thought I could never live up. My time in the Roman Empire was coming to a close, and I needed to find a compassion-filled and healing entity under which I could continue to exist as a servant to the People of God.
Through a dear friend, I found and was brought into a church in what is now known as the Independent Sacramental Movement – a form of independent Catholicism allowing for a more free and inclusive practice of Church. My friend and I served together until the day we discovered our dear friend and pastor – our bishop – had lied to us about his credentials. We were devastated by the betrayal and left that church after seven years of dedicated service. The irony is that had he just confided in us from the beginning – had he just told us the truth up front, we would have stood proudly at his side during the most difficult of times. But he instead chose to hide and obfuscate until those lies and omissions created division and schism.
The Second Time is the Charm…
After a couple of failed experiments and bouts of soul searching, I found another institution in which I thought I could flourish and continue to serve out my calling. Two of the Church leaders were incredibly dynamic and created an atmosphere that made ministry about them and their abilities (or lack thereof) to govern and be over others.
At first, I thought I could live within the abusive dynamism; however, after a time and after one left, it became completely obvious that those in charge were the complete opposite of everything they claimed to espouse. Everything was about him. He was pithy, demeaning, insulting, self-indulgent, and self-absorbed. Though he had no formal education, he knew all there was to know about any given subject. When someone challenged him – he got rid of them by making things their fault.
The pain with the second one is less obvious. I allowed that person to become my brother – I allowed him into the depths of my life, and in the end, he used all he knew about me to twist me up into a little knot and threw me away without a second thought. That was after spending thousands of dollars (it’s actually closer to tens of thousands) over the course of 6 years on him. I fully believe he did what he did because he found in me a meal ticket.
In that organization, I was made to feel less than what I know myself to be – to feel insignificant – to feel as if I knew nothing – as if my experience and education were nothing. And I felt as if my life meant nothing to them. In truth, I gave away my person-ness and power by allowing the abuse to continue for so long.
There was another since that time – but that one… I give that one to God.
And So I Let Go…
And so now I let go of all that does not serve my highest good. I can no longer hold onto those things that keep me mired in the past. I can no longer hold onto the hurt and pain. I will, however, hold on to the lessons I have learned and never again allow myself to become subject to abuse – whether it is overt or obfuscated.
I have a life pattern of allowing abusive people into my life – abuse takes on many forms. Part of my Lenten journey is not only healing that part of my life that readily accepts that I am worthy only of abusive people but also accepting that I have worth. Part of my healing journey is to no longer succumb to those who view themselves as superior or to those who impose their understanding of the world over my own. I will never again allow someone to use their voice to demean me or impugn my knowledge or character.
…And So I Move On…
And so, finally, I move through the pain, fear, and self-loathing into lessons learned and a healed sense of self. I move into my highest good, letting go of all that holds me back and ties me to fear. I let go of the wrong done to me, and I let go of that which does not let me continue to move into my servanthood.
…and I embrace the +Christ within all.
That is, after all, the real purpose of Lent.
